American Idiots: Being Stoned Worth Getting Stoned?

I realize the first half of this entry isn't relating to "crime" per sae, but it's still a story worth a good rant.

Einstein said, “The more I learn about people, the more I love my dog,” and I tend to agree. Especially when I read stories like these on CNN and Yahoo News. You’ll soon see why.

So I’m researching a topic for my next blog post on the Yahoo News archives and in the clutter of Syria articles and Kardashian halabaloo I see this headline: “Man Drinks Quart of Soy Sauce, Goes Into Coma.” This must be good.

The link took me to livescience.com, where I read of a 19-year-old teen in Virginia was dared by his oh-so-loving friends to drink an entire quart of soy sauce in June of this year. Within minutes, he began twitching and went into a seizure. By the time this boy was given anti-seizure medication in the ER his body was in a coma. The soy sauce had shut down the boy’s nervous system in less than a half hour. Here’s a gross detail you might not want to read: when doctors put a tube into the boy’s nose, brown material gushed out of it. His body was desperately trying to purge itself of the overdose of salt and (really bad) neurotoxins found in soy sauce. It may be helpful to know here that a quart of soy sauce contains a third pound of salt, and when that chemical warfare enters the brain, bad things happen—the term “hypernatremia” comes to mind, which is when so much salt entered the bloodstream and went through the brain that osmosis took its toll and the brain is suffocated of its water supply.

Surprisingly good karma came way to this lucky son-of-a-sushi, as he woke up three days after the incident with no signs of long-term brain damage. He did, though, have frequent seizures for a few hours.

After writing a rather satirical blog entry on this brilliant teenager, I decided to see what other geniuses we have living among us. “Guy Crushed to Death by His Own Marijuana,” comes up. How could I resist?

So, here’s the gist: earlier this month a drug smuggler had half a ton of weed in his backseat, crashed his car, and 1,100 pounds of weed came barreling forward, crushing him to death against the steering wheel, according to the New York Daily News.

I’m going to go ahead and save my anti-drug speech for another time and just expand on how idiotic you have to be to be stoned to death by leaves…ironically leaves you were planning to get stoned by in a different way.

Working my way back to Einstein, welcome to America: where some people are literally too stupid to insult. I like my dogs. At least I can get used to their stupidity. American idiots, I’m sorry…but you’re SOL.

www.tobietti.com

Click for this week's craziest crimes, including another marijuana-related one.)